I was struck by a powerful thought a few weeks ago that has managed to diffuse any sentimentality about Valentine's Day for me this year. Valentine's Day, for many people, is SAD (Singles Awareness Day).
The marketing machine plows through our collective consciousness and unconsciousness, creating feelings of inadequacy for many of us who have no sweetheart, no flowers or candy or romantic dates. But this is hardly news for those of us who are unattached. If you've spent as many of your years single and unattached as I have, you have a lot of time to ruminate about your situation, as not only the self but the relatives and friends ask, "Why haven't you gotten married yet?"
What I'm about to say might exile us to a life of indefinite if not permanent singlehood, or maybe it will liberate us and even make us available to the partner we've always dreamed about.
The simple thought I'm putting forward is this: A relationship is a response, and not a goal.
Perhaps we've all held relationship as a goal. I know I have. "I want to be married some day." "I don't want to be alone." "I want to find my soulmate." When there is a goal, there is always looking to the future for a change in status, and with that, typically a lack of capacity for living in the present. It's natural enough, especially if you want to be a parent someday, or if there are things you fantasize about doing with a partner, generally and specifically.
What's interesting about this is that there is a role, a blank line __________ of your imagination that may or may never be filled by a special stranger. Perhaps you have a plan, and you're hoping that the universe, God, the Goddess, or whatever higher power you believe in, will provide this very special character actor to round out your special cast.
Let's look at the notion of relationship as a response. Backing away from the model of a romantic relationship, most all of our non-blood relationships are responses. I meet a guy at work, we converse about things that interest us, and we decide to hang out after work and share a drink. Over time we get to become good friends, sharing things that matter to us. Our response to encountering each other takes the form of a friendship. I eat lunch at the same restaurant every week and pretty soon the waitress knows my usual order, and over time we learn more about each other and begin a friendship that exists within the confines of the restaurant. We are responding to each other as customer and server, and then as friends because we like each other. If either of us were unfriendly, there would be no response, no relationship.
Looking at past loves with whom I'm still connected in some way, perhaps there was a goal of relationship, and that relationship ended, and whatever is left is my response to the human being whom I was privileged to spend time with. That response could be an ongoing connection, perhaps no connection at all, or something occasional. But interestingly, whatever remains may have authenticity that was lacking in the romantic phase of our relationship, simply because it arises from something that is there, instead of a goal that is created. In the same way, even a relationship that begins as a goal and deepens over time, if it is healthy, transitions to a response to the reality of who your partner is, rather than a goal. If the person remains a character, a role, instead of a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get human being, the relationship will fail, will be miserable, or both.
So consider yourself as a response waiting to happen, indeed, happening to everyone you meet in some way. Every day is the opportunity to respond to someone new, to create new relationship, to bring new levels of chaos, amusement, and depth into your life.
It has been surmised that you can't love any two people the same way, that love is defined anew every time you fall in love. I believe this is true. And I believe this is because love is, at its core, a response to someone. You cannot respond to a unique, individual human being the very same way you would a different unique, individual human being. Using the metaphor of alchemy for relationship, all of us are distinct elements that react to each other. Every combination of elements causes a unique reaction. We see that one person brings out the best in us without even trying, while another person seems to cause us to misspeak, misstep, get angry or flustered, or be awkward. Still others are like "inert" elements to us, that seem to cause no immediate reaction whatsoever.
So, if Singles Awareness Day is causing you anxiety or regret, try on this new context. Notice how you respond and react to the people you encounter in your day-to-day life. If relationship still occurs as a goal despite your best efforts, try making it into a game of just observing whom you respond to, and observing the responses. In the meantime, know that you have plenty of other elements to respond to that may show up as a myriad of relationships: best friends, lovers, companions, all based on the natural, organic response of your personal alchemy. Put yourself in the "science lab" of life as fully as you can, and enjoy all the natural relationships that ensue.
Of course, this could just be another one of many vain explanations I have come up with to explain something that I wish I had a better explanation for. But hey, I do enjoy many responsive relationships and I am happy. May you enjoy this day and whatever it brings to you. Al
3 comments:
Hey Al,
That was all amazing but you end it like Darwin on his death bed. Get rid of that last paragraph.
Thank you thank you thank you for helping me better understand the world again.
I loved this. And reposted it in my MySpace blog.
This is great, Al. I appreciate your writing as well as perspective. Thanks!
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