The Ten Suggestions, part 3

3. Explore your spirituality

For now, forget every definition of spirituality you've ever heard before, and try this one: Spirituality is the way that the Divine, or whatever eternal, formless or formful essence you may or may not believe in, woos your soul. What woos your soul? Truth? Beauty? Virtue? Love? Family? Adventure? NASCAR? If it penetrates your being and gets to the middle of you, consider that it's the Divine getting your attention in the way that only it can. Not sure what gets to your soul? Start with your imagination. What fascinates or interests you? Start there. If nothing interests you, I don't believe you. But if so, it might be a good idea to see a therapist, but run the other way if the first thing he or she does is suggest drugs.

This insight about the nature of spirituality came to me at Burning Man some years ago when I struck up a conversation with a woman. We were both gazing at works by artist Alex Grey, and I was sharing with her some of my spiritual adventures originating from my travels on the shamanic path. She sadly said to me, "I wish I had a spirituality like you, but I don't." I asked her what made her happy, and she told me with profound appreciation about the joy she gets from her family and friends. They meant everything to her. It came to me to say to her that her family and friends are her spirituality. Through them, she experiences God. She started crying with joy, and suddenly I knew that what I had said was even more true than I knew it to be.

So that's why I ask you: What woos your soul? Give your life to it. Marry it. If that seems like a bit much, at least take it out for coffee once or twice a week, for the love of all that is good and decent.

Don't just have a spirituality. Explore it. Revel in it, linger with it as you would your lover's body. Smell it, taste it, savor it. Wrestle with it. Go deep with it, go shallow with it. Laugh with it and laugh at it. The allow it to laugh at you. If you cannot find humor in it, then either it's not your spirituality or you're not looking at it openly and honestly.

I know that many people today don't even know what interests them beyond whatever pop culture feeds them and bores them with nightly. If this sounds like you, check in with yourself. Are you happy with that? Does it literally bring you joy and give you energy to reach for that remote? If so, awesome. If not, then you have some exploring to do. As I said before, start with your imagination. Travel magazines and National Geographic are good places to start.

Lather, Rinse and Maybe Don't Repeat

Today I had lunch with my good friend ZigZag Montefusco, a life coach and avowed polyamorist. She's awesome. We were talking about marriage. ZigZag never really bought into the concept, preferring free agency and a cadre of close associates. I always did buy into the concept, but I'm not so sure about how much I want it now.

Let's just start out by saying that by saying this I'm probably limiting my dateability somewhat. Truth is good. Uncertain truth is, well, a wait-and-see proposition. So we'll have to wait and see how this all goes.

I am among the most statistically anomalous Americans you could find. My parents are still happily married in their mid-80s. (Even relatively healthy.) Raising nine children (of whom I'm the "finale," a term I prefer to "baby" now that I'm 44), my parents had their share of tough times, lean meals, and hopeful prayers. (They still pray like maniacs, bless their souls.) Of my eight siblings, seven are happily married, and one sister is divorced but quite attached in a long-term non-marriage partnership. One of my brothers got divorced too, but just remarried. So suffice it to say, I come from a line where solid, happy marriage was the norm.

Add to that America's cultural myth of marriage, which goes something like this: A guy grows up, and falls in love with a girl who has grown up, and they marry with each other, and are happier than they were before. Then they have a family, which grows up too. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am a firm believer in love and marriage – especially love. Marriage is only valid if it is done in love and freedom, and seems to work best (in fact only seems to work) if the marrying parties have a pretty good idea of who they are and what they want.

Because of my spiritual tendencies, and the fact that for much of my life I lacked the confidence to have a fulfilling love life, I learned how to make my life fulfilling despite being single. For many years I was both lonely and happy, and since my confidence has improved substantially, I'm sexually fulfilled and happy.

And I'm 44.

The placemat at the chinese restaurant says of folks like me, born in the Year of the Dragon, something like: "You are eccentric and your life is complex. You have a very passionate nature and abundant health. Marry a Monkey or Rat late in life. Avoid the Dog."

I guess "late in life" is officially upon me. And I question the whole fatherhood thing. Parenthood and marriage, according to the American marriage myth, go hand-in-hand with lawn-mowing, taking your kids to baseball practice, and summer barbeques. My thoughts today revealed that the part of fatherhood that always spoke to me was the guidance, the mentorship, forming young minds and hearts, etc.

Upon reflection today, I realized that through my spiritual direction practice is providing me some of that mentorship energy I wanted to pour into fatherhood. That's kinda neat.

So nothing resolved. File under "new insights gained" though. If marriage happens, then it will be extraordinary, because at this stage of the game, I only settle for extraordinary, even if it looks ordinary. If marriage doesn't happen, then it will also be extraordinary, because, as my friend Noah says, "That's how I roll."