Don't blame the 60s; blame high school seminaries.

A five-year study by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice recently concluded that the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse crisis was in large part caused by the sexual revolution and changing social mores of the 1960s. It should come as no shock that the church oversaw this study and partially paid for the study.

The principal investigator, Karen Terry, concludes:

• Homosexuality was not to blame.
• Celibacy was not to blame.
• It wasn't a pedophilia problem, since most of the kids involved were older than 10, which the study used as the cutoff for pedophilia. (Most kids abused were older than 10.)
  
• Boys were abused more often because troubled priests had more access to them than girls
• Priests were affected by the broad-sweeping changes of the 60s.
  
  

Most articles I’ve seen commenting on this study cut right to the church criticism, which I believe is warranted. I think there are some valid points to this study that the church should take to heart. Most notably that homosexuality was not to blame. Pope Benedict has had a witch-hunt mentality toward gay priests, so I’m glad that this information has come to light.

I begrudgingly accept that celibacy isn’t to blame either. Although I think that celibacy is to blame for many other ills facing the church and threatening its viability as a force for good in the current millennium. And if we had married priests, Catholics could have their pick of many fine candidates for the ministry that they would otherwise never have. (They would also have more Catholics.)

The study also posits that celibacy has been church policy for more than 1,000 years, so that cannot explain why the 1960s saw a spike in abuse nor why there were fewer reports beginning in the 1980s.

According to Terry, psychological exams, intelligence tests, and developmental history information would predict which priests would become abusers.

I have several thoughts about this study and its conclusions, but I’ll stick to one for now. The widespread influence (until fairly recently) of high school seminaries, and generally shame-based attitudes about human sexuality, formed a deadly duo that caused the crisis.

High school boys’ brains are still forming, as are their sexual identities. It’s a time when healthy sexual development depends on flirting, courting, dating, and getting to know what females (or males, if you're gay) of the species look, smell, and feel like, up close. If this development is stunted, combined certain teachings equating masturbation with sin, sexual desire with the sin of lust, unhealthy introjection will follow. Carry an unlived youthful sex life through to adulthood and add contact with young boys and girls, combine with loneliness, and you have the perfect storm. (There could also be an authority complex that some of the priests were suffering too.)

Regrettably, there are still high school seminaries; the church is tragically behind in its own understanding and embracing of human sexuality, not to mention its advocacy for school-aged boys and girls. Specifically, the church needs to embrace that a heart-centered, adventurous sexual life is healthy for one’s psychological development. I know, I know. Not. Gonna. Happen.

It doesn’t mean telling kids to have sex. It means encouraging them to have fun, make out, not be ashamed of their bodies, and learn healthy boundaries such that they can understand the vulnerabilities and circumstances that come with sexuality. Kids are wired to carry out this exploration on their own. Can adults—can the church—consciously bless and prepare them for the perilous and delightful journey that lay ahead?

Gratitude for Charlie Sheen

I prefer Martin Sheen to Charlie Sheen.

In fact, I prefer his brother Emilio Estevez as well. The wayward son of the dignified actor and Catholic social justice activist has of late demonstrated what appears to be mental illness, and the press is hitting him with a fervor it hasn’t enjoyed since the OJ days.

Granted, Sheen has a penchant for drama and hyperbole. He loves to hear himself speak. And on the annoyance meter, he has surpassed Tom Cruise, and has perhaps matched Mel Gibson. But before we jump on the haters bandwagon, perhaps we can take some time to see a little of ourselves in Charlie Sheen’s raging ego. Let’s look at some recent quotes of his.

“I am special, and I will never be one of you.”

Most adults would never say this. But there are times, when we are feeling defensive, when this thought pops up like an unwelcome Netflix ad on our computer screen. To say, “I will never be one of you” is to also say, “You will never be one with me.” Separateness and alienation from each other is one of humanity’s most grave illnesses. How does it feel?

“The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.”

If one has an underdeveloped sense of self, winning at something can provide a needed shot of dignity. However, in the rat race, winning comes at a cost. For one thing, there is usually a loser if there is a winner. As well, losing or not attempting to win helps establish humility, one of the highest virtues a person can attain.

We should also note Sheen’s use of the word, “addicted.” Addictive behavior is destructive behavior that is indulged in to distract one from unpleasant but important feelings. If one never deals with such feelings—grief, remorse, hunger, loneliness, shame—one will never develop a robust human character; one will not have the capacity for empathy.

"I have one speed... I have one gear—Go!"

True, most of us don't go on epic benders, "banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them," but how often do we get so caught up in what we're doing—our "one gear—Go!"—that we don't stop until our body literally shuts us down? Is there that big a difference between high-stakes partying and workaholism?

"I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous."

And you are so luminous that you don’t cast a shadow.

Whenever one says “I am” and follows it with a positive attribute, such as “awesome,” “honest,” “generous,” “talented,” etc., it needs to be said with humility and the knowledge that one is “not-that” at the same time. I am honest and I am a liar. I am talented here but inept there. I am awesome but I am an idiot. I’m chivalrous but I wish to manipulate you by having you feel guilty or obligated to me.

In the same way, if one is given to self-hatred and would disparage himself or herself, the positive attributes are in the shadow realm. I am stupid and I am also brilliant. I am unfaithful but I am also loyal. I am lazy but I am also disciplined.

Owning your shadow is tough work, but it’s absolutely essential if one is to be a highly functioning human being.

"They'll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin'-ness."

There’s a shadow side to love: that if I do something for good you, then you must love me back, or that you will do what I want you to do, behave how I want you to behave, or be who I want you to be. A wise man I once worked with shared with me how he was raising his young son to be self-sufficient and powerful, not so that he could take care of his father but so that he could take care of his own children.

Love never comes from a person; rather, it flows through each person and is either received or it isn’t. Like water, it continually moves and is either absorbed or keeps flowing.

So, a little compassion for Charlie Sheen might be in order. And maybe even a little gratitude for the mirror he presents us with, if only we are willing to look into it.

Intimacy-building skills as a block to intimacy

Organizing the Portland Tantric Meetup, which I've been doing since summer of 2008, has been quite an interesting journey. Holding myself accountable for the growth and direction of this group has of course required that I pay close attention to my own growth and direction.

Most of us are attracted to the tantric path because we want to bring greater consciousness to our sexuality; because we want to bring sexuality to our spirituality; because we seek healing from shame, emotional or spiritual wounds; and because we deeply wish to connect with others whom we hope to meet along this path. Certainly, all of these longings may play a part together.

Whereas I primarily came to tantra to find a spiritual path where I wouldn't be at war with my body, I also wanted to connect with others who shared my values—women, primarily! And as I became more and more grounded in the practices and expanded awareness that tantra provides, I found that indeed, it was much easier for me to connect and form beautiful connections with women I would meet at pujas, workshops, and other events.

But as I have more recently committed to someone in a monogamous relationship, I see that I used my own "tantric skills" and ability to connect as a tool to actually prevent myself from connecting the way I really wanted to—to hold true intimacy at bay. I could attain a beautiful, heart-centered space with anyone (my ego loved that), but love has required me to go deeper, where I am called to delve deeply into my own fear and vulnerability. I also found that the best "tantric skill" I've developed was the willingness to breathe and step courageously into the fire I knew would burn me and strip away parts my ego that keep me from intimacy.

To know how to relate to one's own ego is at the HEART of any true tantric practice—indeed any true spiritual practice. That's why I am presenting "Dancing with the Ego" a week from now (Monday, March 7, at Motion Massage in Portland). It doesn't matter whether you know much about tantra or not: knowing where you are in your dance with your ego will help benefit you right here, right now. We're all in this together!

A quick plug for my spiritual mentoring and healing sessions: I'm available. I'd love to work with you. More here.

The Ten Suggestions, part 7

7) Be a participant, not a spectator.

This may affect the amount of TV you watch or the hours you spend at your gaming console. Some happy people watch TV, some don't. Pretty much every unhappy person I know watches a lot of TV. Life is made for relating with people, not machinery broadcasting images that someone else has chosen for you. I don't believe that what's on TV makes people unhappy, so much as they get too comfortable with the habit and don't live lives of passion and spirit. Can't think of anything? Join a dragon boat team.

The enemy is inertia. The televisory life is seductive in its ease and comfort. Most of us, myself included, have a hard time getting up from a comfy couch. So then, how do you break the inertia of your patterns of comfort?

Here's a simple reflection to keep in mind. Try it on next time you're stuck in spectator mode:

"Is the payoff I get from spectating greater than the payoff I get from participating? What is the payoff I get from spectating, anyway?"

What are some ways to begin participating in life beyond your four doors? What interests you? Many people I've met struggle even to answer that simple question. If you're willing to take some simple chances, here are some ideas:

• Buy the book, The Artist's Way, and follow the program it outlines.
• Go to a craft store like Michael's, and buy a bunch of random stuff there, and make something out of it.
• Have some friends over for dinner, and try cooking something. Stuck as to what to cook? Pancakes and bacon would be an interesting place to start, and they're easy to make. What is that I hear you say? Pancakes are a breakfast food? Oh come on. Wouldn't you rather have pancakes?
• Join Meetup.com and find some cool meetups that interest you. Start with "Anyone Can Join" if you're here in Portland, and then why not sign up for my "Spiritual Growth and Adventure" meetup?
• Got a camera? Walk around town when the light is good (dawn and just before dusk) and take pictures of stuff.

Or you could just watch TV.

The Ten Suggestions, part 6

6. Develop a daily practice.

For me, it's meditation and prayer. For others, it's art. For many, it's exercise, or taking a walk to enjoy nature. The key is same time, same place, every day. This is healing and nourishment time for your soul, and you get to determine what it looks like. Consistency within the practice (doing the same thing) should be balanced with making small changes and experimenting with new things. It should change over time or it will become stale—just as you change over time, or you will become stale.

What if you have no daily practice?

Start by setting aside a special place that you use for this activity. It could be a corner of your room, a part of your garden, your balcony. Creating an altar of some sort, and putting a few sacred objects on it, perhaps a plant or flowers, helps to set a ritual environment. If you're unsure where to begin, try a two-part yoga/meditation practice. It's what I do, so maybe I'm biased. Learn a simple yoga asana or two (I do a sun salutation) and then sit and focus on inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Draw long, slow breaths and exhale at the same deliberate speed. If your thoughts wander, explore the feeling behind the thought (fear? anxiety? concern?) and then locate where that feeling might live in your body. Unsure? Make it up. Then as you breathe, simply bring awareness to that part of you.

An extra hint that is very useful is to begin your meditation session with some sort of incense (such as Nag Champa, sage, palo santo, or copal—these are my favorites but any will do). It not only sets ritual space but also quickly imprints on a part of your brain that encourages meditation. Your memory of the smell will help your brain remember it's meditating, and will hasten your meditative state.

The Ten Suggestions, part 5

5. Learn that you are not your emotions.

You have emotions, but they do not define you, nor do they determine "how you are" at any given time. If they did, the human race would have perished long ago.

Although we seldom realize it in the moment, our emotions are a cocktail mixed from many spirits, including how we interpret what happened, our circumstances and how we react or respond, our biochemistry at the time—including how much sunshine and vitamin D we have going on, how much exercise and sleep we're getting, influence of caffeine and alcohol, and whether or not we're hungry or thirsty. Emotions are real, but they're not the full story. They can change on a dime in any direction.

The Ten Suggestions, part 4

3. Dispense with your God, if that God is causing you misery.

The God that most Americans are introduced to through church, media, and society, is antisocial, schizophrenic, and maybe bi-polar minus the meds. Most believers, including many who are actually happy themselves, will disagree with me vehemently.

Let me put it to you this way: Would you respect someone who claims to love everyone but would banish one of his own children to eternal misery for not returning the affection? I didn’t think so. Such a man would be petty at best and psychotic at worst. So why should I respect a God who does the same?

An otherworldly hell simply isn't compatible with the concept of love, although many believers do their level best to have this make sense somehow. A brilliant pontifical bible scholar I once knew commented that in the Bible, God never really succeeded in changing anyone when he threatened them with misfortune, but when he promised them life, they came in droves. Face it: Unless we learn otherwise, we project the wounded, unconscious masculine identity onto God. It’s all around us—it’s insidious, it’s pervasive, and it plays to the darkest impulses of our human nature. It’s that notion that we somehow more “right” than another group of people because we understand God and they don’t. How many lives lost and souls destroyed over this premise?

A wise rabbi, when confronted by atheists who told him, “Rabbi, I don't believe in God,” would always reply, “Which one?” If you wish to get to know the Divine on the Divine's terms, it would be a good idea to start with this: God is love. Explore love in all its forms, meanings, and nuances. Learn by doing. Make love your life’s study, and you will learn more about God than most people in the history of humanity.

A grown-up God for grown-up people
Do you ever find yourself praying for stuff for yourself or for changes in your circumstances? Perhaps most of us do sometimes. But God is not Santa Claus, rewarding you with favor for bribing him with good behavior, faith, or even “The Secret.” I heard another rabbi say that God put us in a physical universe and we are subject to its laws. So when hard times come, it is not for us to say, “Why?” but rather, “What now shall we do?” If you want God to answer your prayers powerfully, ask God to break your heart with compassion, or ask God to show you ways to serve those who need you. Both of those, incidentally, will lead to happiness, if not deep contentment. Yes, I think God has a sense of the ironic.

This “radical love God” takes more courage to follow and believe in than the other ones. Cynics, take note.

Certainly many people are happy if not content despite their religious beliefs, which are otherwise inconsistent with the way they instinctively know to love. (And I'm not speaking of those soul-dead parents who would disown their children because they're gay or for having an inter-racial relationship.) This is demonstrative of the fact that there are many ways to be happy, inconsistencies are allowed, and that this list does not equal the 10 Commandments, but rather 10 Suggestions.)

As always, pick the ones that work for you. Your mileage may vary. Six more to come.